relationship advice but make it fashion
There’s a poem I think about often.
“a friend to all
is a friend to none
a friend to all
abandons one”
I’m sure there’s many variations of this saying, but this poem strikes me as being ever important for more than it’s lesson in platonic relations. At it’s core, it’s a lesson of doing what feels good and true to yourself. It’s a call to remember, that you cannot make everyone happy - if you go to far down that pipeline you end up somewhere drowning in resentment.
Learning to not abandon yourself in life is a scary. A strong sense of self is the hardest thing to repair once it breaks. Also, in a world that too often revolves around the male gaze, It is hard to feel unapologetically confident without having an intense fear of being perceived in horrible lighting.
As being too much.
As being too ‘bitchy’ (bleh i hate that word with a passion).
As just being plain odd and attention seeking. People who were once outspoken have unfortunately adapted and now master the art of living in the gray. A mindset that has unfortunately exploded on everyone’s favorite viral video application.
The point: Fashion is a relationship with yourself.
While this topic is very deep with LOTS of layers, I’m going to redirect to something that many think is a very frivolous and silly thing to think about.
FASHION.
As much as the world doesn’t want to accept this - Fashion, style, and dressing up are pivotal in the conceptualization of your sense of self. It’s not just a pile of ‘stuff’. The way you present yourself tells a non-verbal story. Even if you think no one notices or cares, it’s in our nature as humans to want to categorize people before actually getting to know them. Super twisted, but also, the unfortunate truth.
Capitalism would have you believe that the only way to be seen as worthy is to hop on the latest trend and spend alllllllllll your money. You will not, and will never be, accepted if you don’t wear what alllllll the ‘cool’ and ‘influential’ people are wearing.
Bull sh*t.
Trends are fun - don’t get me wrong. There’s a reason they are trending and being celebrated, but remember that poem we started this deep dive with?
“a friend to all
is a friend to none
a friend to all
abandons one”
Yes. Just like you can’t be everyone’s friend, you cannot physically, spiritually, and perhaps even financially, align with every trend that sweeps the nation. To always be a ‘trendy’ person is to abandon your sense of self at the cash register.
Gettin’ Zingy
While it might feel silly to think too deeply about trends (after all, they are fleeting), leaning in to what catches your eye is what’s going to send you on your own unique journey of stylization. Trends are not the villain, trends are a great jumping off point. The villain is thoughtless consumption.
My favorite thing to talk about with personal style is something I call the brain ‘zing’. If you’ve never seen Hotel Transylvania, I encourage you to watch at your leisure. It’s a charming, coming of age story about a ‘young’ vampire girl. It features the wit of Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg, with the softness of Selena Gomez.
Just like in Hotel Transylvania, to ‘zing’ means to lock eyes with something that sets your soul on fire. While ‘zinging’ in that universe is applied strictly to romantic relationships, I’m taking the concept one step farther. To ‘zing’ with something is to establish an instant attraction and connection. It can leave you breathless, astonished, and excited - all feelings I think should be applied to yourself and your wardrobe - not just another person.
When we establish ‘zings’ we can learn something about ourselves. For example, I remember the first ‘zing’ moment I had as a young girl. I was reading a book that was a mix of adventure, eeriness, sarcasm, and oddities. The book was Coraline. I wasn’t much of a reader at 10-years old - a little too hyperactive to say the least- but this was the first book I genuinely remember not being able to put down. I finished it in less than a week, and googled the author to realize the movie was coming out in less than a month. Excitement filled every ounce of me.
Now, 27, I think about this experience in a different light and realize that eerie, creative, and odd things have always been intriguing to me. The ‘Tim Burton-ness’ of it all is what made me ‘zing’.
While you won’t find me dressing up as Edward scissor hands on a daily basis, I do use this as ‘zing’ to guide my selections of aesthetics. Deep tones, simple silhouettes, chunky shoe soles, lacey textures, and my favorite leather jacket can be found on rotation. This feels most authentic to me and I always have believed we are attracted to things for a reason. Our ‘zings’ can guide us our truest, most authentic selves.
Don’t neglect; dissect!
Say you’ve adopted the aesthetic of the coquette girlie. You really leaned in and transformed everything about your wardrobe. You’ve got the ribbons in your hair, faux freckles, and the ballet flats to prove it. One day, you find an old video of The Slits circulating the internet. At first you’re confused….but then apart of your brain says “you know what, hell ya!”. (If you’ve never heard of The Slits….I encourage a quick google search to understand the jump this is.)
What most people in this scenario would say is,
“Wow that’s so cool, but I could never.”
WRONG!!!
What if instead of running away, you just leaned in a little bit. Took bits and pieces and found inspiration in something that’s wildly different from what Pinterest tells you ‘coquette’ is.
….Keep your ribbons and pair them with a black, sheer top. Dabble on your faux freckles, but instead of the pretty, pastel, teddy bear blouse, opt for a floral sweater with red roses…. trade in a few ribbon earrings for gothic hearts (or daggers if you’re feeling crazy)…..and bam! You can transform your once frilly and fancy aesthetic into something that blends the two. You are a romantic girl with an edge.
If you’re following my thoughts, this is where the magic happens!! By following your ‘zings’, you can begin to establish your own personal branding and style, baby!!!!!! No one needs to be put in a box - trends can make you think that, but we are all to complex.
Dissecting the things that make you innately euphoric, create something that represents you as a whole. The only person it has to make sense to is you and if going viral is the goal, I promise that your authentic self is cooler than any trend you could hop on.
All this to say, I hope we as consumers and our own personal stylists can be okay with living in a dichotomy of pickiness and open minds. If you’ve been struggling to find your own personal style, the best place, in my opinion, is starting with a simple list of all the people, things and places you love. Note and research them. Create a visual board and connect the dots. Even if on the surface they have absolutely nothing in common - the common denominator is that you love it.
Learn to lean in to the things that zap your brain, your curiosity, and a neglected part of you. When you find something you instantly love, don’t run away, but also don’t mindlessly follow. Always remember, in both fashion and friendships;
“a friend to all
is a friend to none
a friend to all
abandons one”
Authenticity is the new ‘it’ girl, and only you can find her.